Adios 2014

 

fbcover_hpn2015

 

 

 

 

 

 

What I’ve learned in 2014

Being true to yourself is always the best course of action

Fear is never going to get the better of this girl.

Unexpected people will surprise you with their friendship.

Unexpected people will hurt you deeper than you ever imagined.

Never change yourself based on another’s opinion. That road leads to nowhere but misery.

Surround yourself with others who also think age has nothing to do with having fun. (Those other people just suck the color right out of a day.)

God made me with a big heart and sometimes it takes stupid to new levels. He also made me tough enough to deal with it. That’s all ok.

I can and will defy the odds because that’s what I do.

The universe will remind you that we can all plan whatever we want, life is going to happen.

Sweetness and light gets boring.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year! May your dreams come true, may you be happy with what you have, when sadness comes may it not last long and may you know love and joy in 2015!

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Suck it up Buttercup!

ruawareNot really letting this go, sigh. On the surface I am, doing all the things I need to be doing. Putting on a happy face to the rest of the world. But besides the soundtrack constantly running in my head, I’m not sleeping and I can’t sit down and read a book. When I am deeply upset about something those are the two big glaring road signs saying “you can run but it’s all here waiting”. Not sleeping is due to nightmares. I seldom have nightmares usually  but when I do they are never something scary or lurking somewhere but emotional nightmares. I start dreaming that the people I love the most don’t love me anymore, like say my mom. My mom has been gone for over 10 years and I know without doubt she loves me the way only a mom does but that’s what happens when I sleep. I wake up devastated every night as if it were real even though it’s not. Pretty much up for the night after that. Reading, well reading has always been my escape from the world. I read like other people watch TV. I never have a “waiting to be read pile”, nope never. However right now I have the attention span of a 3 year old. Normally takes me about 2-3 hours to start and finish a paperback. Been trying to read the same book for 4 weeks. Ughh!

 

This situation opened up a bunch of old wounds for me. Wounds it took me a long time to move on from, years actually. One would think if you got over them once you would know you could do so again, doesn’t seem to be working that way though. My self confidence is in the toilet. I feel ugly, and unattractively fat, and insecure, and needy, and unwanted and unlovable. Like every other chick on the planet has got something I do not, that makes them worthy of kindness, love and gentleness while I am not. Like I am defective. Anyone else is better than me. How’s that for a fucked up and irrational state of mind?  At least I am not compounding it with the same actions as I once did so I must have learned something. Small consolation.

 

The fat kid that doesn’t get picked for dodge ball. Yep. I quite drinking 10 years ago, not because I was an alcoholic or anything but because it didn’t work well with what we thought were anxiety attacks. Now wine is my friend, I don’t even like wine but it keeps my high strung self calmer. Too bad it’s 10:30 am or I’d be having some now.I’m smoking almost 2 packs a day, was down under 10 cigarettes a day before.  Yep, I’m a mess.

 

Also, I don’t believe in blaming others for my issues. The fact is the way I am feeling lives in me and I am responsible for it, unfortunately his aim was dead on for my weakest spot. The actions and words were like reliving the worst relationship in my life. Most people don’t see that their hurting someone else and keep doing it. Fucking apologize! You know you were an asshole. I think that is what is keeping me stuck. If you cared at all or even had a sense of decency you apologize. To not do so just means you don’t give a fuck at all about me and the person is below even treating with the respect another human being deserves. That pisses me off and hurts like hell at the same time. I mean really after all this time that’s how little you think of me?  I deserve better than that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Aha moment

Just because it made me smile
Just because it made me smile

Knew I would get there eventually. God always gives you what you need but you have to listen. Light bulb went on and  know what I need to do. Last year with everything some things hit home and what is truly important to me became very clear. At the end of the day you never truly regret caring or loving, putting yourself out there, taking chances,you only regret the moments that passed when you didn’t. Even if it turns out badly you know you did the right thing. Got caught up in drama and forgot that. I had just realized that and lo and behold minutes later ran across the excerpt below. Will probably disappear again for awhile now that my head is straight. Until then I present pig in boots…

 

 

Here’s one to give some thought to…

Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest: Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400.00 in your private account for your use.

However, this prize has rules, just as any game has certain rules *. The first set of rules would be: *

*Everything that you didn’t spend during each day would be taken away from you. *

*You may not simply transfer money into some other account. *

*You may only spend it. *

*Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400.00 for that day.*

*The second set of rules: *

*The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say, it’s over, the game is over! It can close the account, and you will not receive a new one. *

*What would you personally do? *

*You would buy anything and everything you wanted right? Not only for yourself, but for all people you love, right? Even for people you don’t know, because you couldn’t possibly spend it all on yourself, right? You would try to spend every cent, and use it all, right? *

*ACTUALLY This GAME is REALITY! *

*Each of us is in possession of such a magical bank. We just can’t seem to see it. *

*The MAGICAL BANK is TIME! *

*Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life, and when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is NOT credited to us. *

*What we haven’t used that day is forever lost. *

*Yesterday is forever gone. *

*Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time….WITHOUT WARNING. *

*SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds? *

*Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in dollars. *

*Think about that and always think of this: *

*Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think. *

*So take care of yourself, be Happy, Love Deeply and Enjoy Life! *

*Here’s wishing you a wonderful, beautiful and very blessed day! *

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