Suck it up Buttercup!

ruawareNot really letting this go, sigh. On the surface I am, doing all the things I need to be doing. Putting on a happy face to the rest of the world. But besides the soundtrack constantly running in my head, I’m not sleeping and I can’t sit down and read a book. When I am deeply upset about something those are the two big glaring road signs saying “you can run but it’s all here waiting”. Not sleeping is due to nightmares. I seldom have nightmares usually  but when I do they are never something scary or lurking somewhere but emotional nightmares. I start dreaming that the people I love the most don’t love me anymore, like say my mom. My mom has been gone for over 10 years and I know without doubt she loves me the way only a mom does but that’s what happens when I sleep. I wake up devastated every night as if it were real even though it’s not. Pretty much up for the night after that. Reading, well reading has always been my escape from the world. I read like other people watch TV. I never have a “waiting to be read pile”, nope never. However right now I have the attention span of a 3 year old. Normally takes me about 2-3 hours to start and finish a paperback. Been trying to read the same book for 4 weeks. Ughh!

 

This situation opened up a bunch of old wounds for me. Wounds it took me a long time to move on from, years actually. One would think if you got over them once you would know you could do so again, doesn’t seem to be working that way though. My self confidence is in the toilet. I feel ugly, and unattractively fat, and insecure, and needy, and unwanted and unlovable. Like every other chick on the planet has got something I do not, that makes them worthy of kindness, love and gentleness while I am not. Like I am defective. Anyone else is better than me. How’s that for a fucked up and irrational state of mind?  At least I am not compounding it with the same actions as I once did so I must have learned something. Small consolation.

 

The fat kid that doesn’t get picked for dodge ball. Yep. I quite drinking 10 years ago, not because I was an alcoholic or anything but because it didn’t work well with what we thought were anxiety attacks. Now wine is my friend, I don’t even like wine but it keeps my high strung self calmer. Too bad it’s 10:30 am or I’d be having some now.I’m smoking almost 2 packs a day, was down under 10 cigarettes a day before.  Yep, I’m a mess.

 

Also, I don’t believe in blaming others for my issues. The fact is the way I am feeling lives in me and I am responsible for it, unfortunately his aim was dead on for my weakest spot. The actions and words were like reliving the worst relationship in my life. Most people don’t see that their hurting someone else and keep doing it. Fucking apologize! You know you were an asshole. I think that is what is keeping me stuck. If you cared at all or even had a sense of decency you apologize. To not do so just means you don’t give a fuck at all about me and the person is below even treating with the respect another human being deserves. That pisses me off and hurts like hell at the same time. I mean really after all this time that’s how little you think of me?  I deserve better than that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Aha moment

Just because it made me smile
Just because it made me smile

Knew I would get there eventually. God always gives you what you need but you have to listen. Light bulb went on and  know what I need to do. Last year with everything some things hit home and what is truly important to me became very clear. At the end of the day you never truly regret caring or loving, putting yourself out there, taking chances,you only regret the moments that passed when you didn’t. Even if it turns out badly you know you did the right thing. Got caught up in drama and forgot that. I had just realized that and lo and behold minutes later ran across the excerpt below. Will probably disappear again for awhile now that my head is straight. Until then I present pig in boots…

 

 

Here’s one to give some thought to…

Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest: Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400.00 in your private account for your use.

However, this prize has rules, just as any game has certain rules *. The first set of rules would be: *

*Everything that you didn’t spend during each day would be taken away from you. *

*You may not simply transfer money into some other account. *

*You may only spend it. *

*Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400.00 for that day.*

*The second set of rules: *

*The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say, it’s over, the game is over! It can close the account, and you will not receive a new one. *

*What would you personally do? *

*You would buy anything and everything you wanted right? Not only for yourself, but for all people you love, right? Even for people you don’t know, because you couldn’t possibly spend it all on yourself, right? You would try to spend every cent, and use it all, right? *

*ACTUALLY This GAME is REALITY! *

*Each of us is in possession of such a magical bank. We just can’t seem to see it. *

*The MAGICAL BANK is TIME! *

*Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life, and when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is NOT credited to us. *

*What we haven’t used that day is forever lost. *

*Yesterday is forever gone. *

*Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time….WITHOUT WARNING. *

*SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds? *

*Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in dollars. *

*Think about that and always think of this: *

*Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think. *

*So take care of yourself, be Happy, Love Deeply and Enjoy Life! *

*Here’s wishing you a wonderful, beautiful and very blessed day! *

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Bad, bad me.

In returning here to say what I needed to say I realized I was lax in keeping up with my pet project. Really curious to see this slide show someday. First pic is me in Halloween hooker style, second is me after coming back from Florida. Nope I didn’t dye my hair again went from red to blond from the sun. If I lived there it would definitely bleach out.

 

 

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Ah Florida, well I am still licking my wounds but that’s about all I can do right? Don’t really understand the whole thing. I mean everything was fine until 3 weeks before and that’s about when he got douchey. Accepted the reason provided for that. I think if he changed his mind for whatever reason, he should have manned up and said so instead of making me feel crappy.Talk about mixed messages and I have never been good at sorting through those.  Bottom line is I thought we were friends, I was definitely his friend anyway. I am a lot of bad things but if I care about you I’m pretty much in for the long haul in whatever way you need me to be. I really am the friend that would help you hide the body 🙂 He said he needed a friend, well he had one. Guess that doesn’t mean much to him or he didn’t mean me, so what else can I do but let it go. I’m not the type to stick my hand out for you to hold and keep getting it slapped away. Just sad about it. will be for awhile. Won’t even get to say anything about it because I would have to initiate that conversation too and I won’t. Can’t really lose friends though just find out who really is one right? My heart is big and stupid, my brain is not.  Learned that lesson for the last time. Which isn’t to say I wouldn’t be there tomorrow if he asked me to. I make it a habit to not lie to myself about things like that. I wish he would say something but he probably won’t, I wish things were different but they probably aren’t. Sad, sad, sad.

What else has been going on…. Well last year they thought for sure I had cancer in one of my ovaries. Thank God when they took it out there wasn’t. Go me! I opted to only let them remove the one unless they actually found cancer and were setting the staging for treatment. Some people disagreed with that, quite vocally actually, but I figure if I made it 42 years before the first one went I have a 50/50 shot of skating on the other.  Apparently, that procedure set off a chain of events that lead me to having an overactive thyroid from Grave’s disease. It’s an autoimmune disease which I am genetically predisposed to. I felt fine actually and it was found in a general checkup and some subsequent tests. According to the docs I was in a serious way so now I’m taking 4 pills once a day and waiting to see what happens. Sure I’ll be fine, my evil is strong.

Company I worked for was sold and merged with our largest competitor so after 16 years I resigned in July. Too hard to watch the great company we built be turned to shit. I met some good people but for the most part those making the decisions were a bunch of fucking idiots who just make really bad ones. If there was another game in town they would have tanked already. Couldn’t stay for that. Trying to get my own business started and a couple of side projects for steady cash flow. Been head hunted and offered a few positions, just not sure I want to go back to a corporate environment although I really miss the money.

Good news is I finally got on a plane. Piece of cake! Funny how scared I was before I did it. Now getting I’ve applied for my passport and I’ll be off. So many places I want to go and see.

While I’ve been writing I’ve downed 2 Vente Latte’s so I need to go bounce around. Will most likely be back to whine some more. My corner of the web and I can have a pity party if I want to!

 

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