And so it was…..

And so another birthday has come and gone., 41 this year. Every time I think it, I get the same twisted feeling in my stomach you tend to get at that moment when you are at the top of the roller coaster and the big drop is coming. I only screamed the same way the first day or two. I know I am obsessed with the inevitable. Rational no, my reality yes. I’m still getting pegged at early 30’s so at least my 5 million insane and daily rituals seem to be working. I can’t imagine in 20 years looking in a mirror and seeing a face so different. Is it freaky, do you notice it, in your mind’s eye do you still see yourself at your prime? I mean even now with all of life’s responsibilities and changes there’s so many moments I still feel like exactly the same person inside I was 20 years ago even though I know I am not. Also finding it odd that I seem to be going through a much greater period of introspection then I did when I hit the big 4-0 milestone. Did I fulfill my dreams, did I sell out? Am I where I want to be in life, doing what I want to do? Barf!

No I did not fulfill all my dreams, no I did not sell out. Am I where I want to be in life? Not exactly but I am in a good place. Am I doing what I want to do? Always. I can’t complain I have a good life, but something is missing. I guess I have finally grown up because I can totally admit it’s the lack of having someone in my life who is mine. If I ask myself, “Were you to die tomorrow what would be your one regret?”, that’s the answer. Can it still happen? Sure. Friends, family, significant others…past and present have told me I want to much. Damn straight! I want the kill, die or lie for. Nothing less. Two halves of a whole. If you could get underneath each other’s skin it wouldn’t be close enough. Do I ever think I should have settled for something less? Not even for a second. It’s just the way I’m wired and sometimes being true to yourself has a price. Maybe I needed to get to this place where I don’t feel like I have to defend or apologize for that anymore so I can find it. And if I don’t, that’s ok…having a harem may not be true love but it sure is fun!

Speaking of time, I recall years ago someone telling me to enjoy the present and be in the moment because although 15 to 21 seemed to take an eternity, and 25 to 30 wouldn’t seem to go by so fast, 30 to 40 would fly by in a heartbeat. How right they were! Christmas seems like weeks ago and not months. It will be back around in the blink of an eye. I think that is going to be my goal now, living in the moment. Maybe that’s the real key to staying young. When you’re a kid everything is an event, always some new detail to learn and absorb. When you’re a teen every moment is a new direction, your friends are forever, first love is everything and the absolute end of the world…lol. Maybe we forget that for a while and come full circle when we remember.

 

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