Entry for March 11, 2008

I do not know whether or not to scream out or cry in frustation. I swear I feel like I cannot take one more thing or I am just going to break.  Do I really seem like I have it so together that people just think no matter how much shit gets piled on my head I am going to be just fine. WRONG!!!  It’s fucking laughable. Me the chick that chose not to settle down, get married, pop out some puppies… WHY? because I didn’t want all the responsibilities that came with it. I have more responsibilities than I ever dreamed of or had nightmares about. It’s so easy for people to say it’s not your problem, you just have to think of yourself. Its soooo not that easy. Do you stand by and watch people you love truly fuck up their life, get seriously and irrevocably hurt, not take care of themselves medically… I mean what person with any sense of decency or of family can do that????

My life is just never my own. Always someone depending on me for something. To give something. Never free to be happy, not free to be sad. Not free to say the hell with it and royally screwing up my own life. I am so tired and I’ve really begun asking myself do the people around me just not see that I just can’t deal with it anymore. Who the hell picks up my pieces?? No one , just me. Always just me. And it’s never going to stop.

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Entry for March 3, 2008

The weekend before last I was ready the paper online and took note of a particular article due to it’s closeness to where I work. They had found a woman’s body in the lake. Never did it cross my mind when reading that article that t would be someone I knew and considered a very dear friend.  I’m old enough to know that you can never count on tomorrows, that each one is a gift but still it’s nothing less than shocking.

I generally deal fairly well with death as I believe anyone you’ve ever loved is never truly gone from you. I still talk to my mom and dad all the time. This however is not something I can easily make peace with as it just never should have happened. There are so many rotten people in the world and for this to happen to her is just wrong. She was truly a better person than I will ever be.

In the news they kept refering to her as a single mother from Yonkers. What they didn’t say was what a wonderful mother she was. I never once saw her or knew of her to put anything above her son. Everything she did and everything she did without was always for him. She did a wonderful job because he’s a very special little boy and is going to grow up to be an even better man.

Some things in life can just never be justified and this is one of them.

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